I'm re-watching a Pushing Daisies episode called "Bitches". Comparisons between me and Olive Snook have been made (in situations and personality but not in apperance....which, would be nice if not for the fact that we're complete opposites). I don't know if it's a good thing or not. As of now, it's just a 'thing' which is something I'm trying to learn. Not to see things as good or bad...just as they are. Which, somehow usually ends up feeling bad....so, i guess the exercise isn't going as well as I hoped.

It's been a very long week. I know that it's nothing compared to other things but.....well, call me vain or selfish or bitchy or whatever else you want - it's still been a very long emotional week for me. Full of ups and downs. Highest highs, lowest lows.

Starting with the lows....that way we can end on a - a high I guess.

Emotionally, I've been a wreck. I've been everything from angry to sad to happy to numb. I've been everywhere from passionately jealous to giving in and giving up. I've been hurt and held and I've been both suspcisious and comforted. It's boy stuff and it's stupid and it's upseting. Sometimes it feels utterly pointless and at othertimes it feels like there's no other point in the whole world. Needless to say....it's tiring going from one end of the spectrum to the other continually. Especially when you throw in other aspects and feelings that accompany those aspects. This time last month I was crying my eyes out over the same thing that this month gave me just a fraction of that feeling. Good? Bad? No - it just is. lol....I know i'm not saying much. That's ok though, if anyone is actually intrested they know what to do.

As far as highs go?
I'm no longer a wanted fugitive! I paid my warrant and am not scared to drive anymore! whee!!! I also got a promotion at work! I'm going to be assistant manager and the position comes with a dollar raise, full time emoployment, and benefits. All the benefits. I'm exctied. This means I might actually be able to go back to school.
All that's left is for me to go back to God. I know that's kind of out of left field but becaues of certain things that happened with the church I was attending and my living situation I stopped going and kinda lost faith. I miss God and I miss church. I'm still wounded but I feel myself healing little by little. It'll take more time, but one day it'll get there.


Things can always be worse.
I just let myself get caught up in things.
"Let Go, and Let God"
That should be the tag line for 2009 for me.

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For the first time ever i'm having christmas with my family. Just my family.

No grandma, no relatives, just the 4 of us. I'm excited about it. Really.

This seems to be the only thing that's going REALLY well in my life currently. I have a warrent out for my arrest. I have to take care of it as soona s I get back to Fort Worth. It's for having no inspection sticker, I have it now. I also have 2 tickets for expired meters. The total of that is 27 dollars. Could be worse. I don't think it'll be a HUGE deal....but it'll be sizeable. I haven't paid my Target credit card....this really isn't a good. .......Actually, that's about it. It's not that much when I look back at it. But when it's in front of me it seems terrifying. TERRIFYING. But all things shall pass. Eventually.

I'm sitting next to my tree. I can see all our ornaments.
The MardiGras one - where we went to New Orleans.
The koala holding a key - the year I got my car.
The "Thank me I voted for Kerry" - The year I voted.
The red ribbon and bell which say "For she who can hear the bell..." - The year I found out about Santa.
The little mouse sitting on a camera - The year I got my first camera.
The purple wizard - The year we went to Las Vegas.
The yarn with mistletoe picture - mom and dad's first christmas together.

I love our tree. One day i'll have on of my own with all it's own memories. The thought of having enough things to fill a christmas tree weirds me out. It let's me know just HOW MUCH I have yet to still go. And where will it lead me? ....psh, no clue. It's a comfort though, this tree. It's constant. It's memorable. It's a place to remember.

I think i'm getting scared. But not for me. I think I should have been scared. I think perhaps I always was. But not for me. All I can really do is Sam it up.

Someday everything will be ok. Perhaps not in the way we wanted it to be, but still. I believe this - I know it's silly and slightly naieve, but perhaps the song is right "sometimes the realiest things are reached by making believe".

I won't be online for awhile so in advance I'd like to wish everyone on NuTang a very merry christmas. I pray you're spending it in a way that is meaningful to you and with people who care about you.

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Well, alot of what i've had to say recently has been classified as private. Really private. But, I'm ready to speak now. Without the aide of YouTube.

*sigh*

It's amazing how drastically different one Thanksgiving weekend can be from another. Seriously. One opening, one potentially closing. It's all very......well, I guess you never CAN know what's going to happen in a year. I suppose this also means that anything is possible - though contrary to the most used version of that phrase....literally ANYTHING. Good-Bad, Ugly-Beautiful, Painful-Happy....Different members of the family, different addresses, different ports of harbor. This concept has become like the universe to me. It's SO HUGE! It makes me feel infantesamely (sp?) small. But, the fact that God knows me (not OF me) is mind exploding. It's the same concept. The idea that ANYTHING can happen makes me feel inmeasureably scared and cautiously optimistic about the future. It's kind of crazy, huh?

Points of Intrest
Priorities.
I have them. But what of them? What is the order? I have a habit of lumping things together. Much like Potatoe Salad instead of a 3 course meal. It can make things a little confusing, though there is sometimes the surprise ingredient in the Potatoe Salad (but that can go either way too...). I need time to work through all of this and figure out what goes where and what weighs what. It's more complicated than you might think.

I've made a few decisions.
Firstly, I'm going home for Christmas. A full week. I am burst-out-my-heart-excited about it. I get to go home!! My own bed, my own living room, my backyard....my garage. I have forgotten how home smells, or how it feels to wake up in the room I grew up in and hear my mom making breakfast while she talks to dad. It's going to be real down time. Though, when my grandmother gets there I think I'll want to be anywhere else but there. It's part of the "family deal" though. I invited someone along - but, i knew they wouldn't. For one or another more than valid reason. It was a true invitation though.

I'm going to turn over a leaf. Possibly a few. In fact, it could be considered more like raking. Things I want to tackle over the next year? My self-worth. I want to be more confident. Not just in looks, but in who I am. Which is something else I need to totally figure out. Who I am, what I believe, why I believe it and to what ends I'm willing to stretch that belief. I also want to lose weight. Not for looks or anything, but to feel more comfortable in my own skin, and to get out of the plus size department. I'm getting older and my health is a huge factor - especially with my background. Also, sometime in the next TWO years, I want to go on a date. It doesn't even need to be with someone "special" I just refuse to hit 25 and still be in the same rut. Even if it's just once. Even if it's just a movie. Even if NOTHING happens. Even if it's pretty much just in name.

I'm going to figure out school. Not in a vague way - but with hard facts. How many hours precisiely do I need? How much money exactly will it cost? I'm going to apply for FASFA - early. I'm going to figure out when I need to move back to Denton. How many and which classes I can take online. I'm going to finish up. I'm tired of being behind a counter. Though....I worry at how good of a teacher I'll make. Really worry.

I want to learn something. Get involved somewhere....doing....something. Knitting? Crochetting? Scrapbooking? Karate? Dance? Embroidering? A Book Club? Swimming? Cooking School? Anything. I just want....to have a talent. I just want something that's mine. Something unique to me.



I guess that's it. I just felt like I hadn't said anything. I feel....lighter.......a little. I am by no means 'better' but I don't have to concentrate to breathe. Not all the time anyway.


I had a good morning. Besides the lack of sleep I suffered due to an over active imagination (dreams) I was able to do something I haven't done in months and which I found I missed terribly. I laid in a bed that was not my own covered by a blanket that does nothing but tease you with warmth and listened to music that wasn't mine. It reminded me of.....earlier. At one point I got a little misty because of the choice of song, but nothing extravagant. It was nice to just lie there and have no worries for a few minutes. Just let myself drift.

Drifting is nice.

~Helena

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