The title is a joke and has no actual relavance to this entry.

I had a *crappy* week a few weeks ago.

My parents came into town. Usually a fun and fantastic thing as they always come bearing money which changes into clothes and food that i need. Except, they didn't know that someone was living with me. Well...not living with me as in 'hi, we're living together' so much as I had a roommate of the oposite sex that they didn't know about. So, I had to break that news. To my astonishment, they said i'm old enough to make my own decisions. They weren't as forgiving about my cat. I've had a cat for a year. They HATE cats. They met my cat. They warned me about the evils of cats. I'm keeping him. They were supposed to be here from Thursday night to mid-day Sunday. Saturday they asked me what i'm doing on Sunday. "well, i'm going to church, and i'd really like you guys to come" *insert hopeful smile*. "No. That's ok. You do what you feel you need to. We're Catholic. We'll just go home". Our church just split. Drama on that non-stop but it had JUST happened, the kids in my youth didn't even know about it yet, we were going to use this sunday's lesson to talk to them about it. It made me feel alwful. Beyond awful. But I let them go, it's their choice and they're beyond mature enough to make their own choices.

Monday.
I get up, get ready, head off to work. A little late, yes, but only by minutes. There's an envlope on my door. It's from my landowners. Grab it and head off to work (Barnes and Noble) that's the important thing. Before I go inside, I open it up. YOU HAVE 3 DAYS TO VACATE. In big bold print. They say I owe 1000 dollars. I run inside B&N and ask if I can come back because I need to speak with my landowners, something isn't right. "No, I'm sorry. You asked off the other day and we simply cannot be having this". "But, I have the letter RIGHT HERE. It's an emergency". "I'm sorry, you can't even punch in now and work your shift. Just leave. Please, stop talking to me - I can't even talk to you anymore without another manager present". I leave in tears. Elessar257 almost went in there and ripped them to peices. I went to the leasing place. They saw my cat in the window. Twice. That's 400 dollars that I owe.

Now, I have until August to figure out what to do. I could move in with Elessar257 and his mom, pay a small fee for renting out a spare room in the garage and get a job somewhere in Fort Worth, OR I could move in with a friend whom I love, but can get a little....annoying....once in a blue moon. But, she has 3 cats, a dog and it's a 1 bedroom apt in Dallas.


I'm tired of working two-bit little jobs. I want to finish school and I want to teach. I want a better job. I almost don't even care where it is anymore. I know which side God is pushing me towards. Perhaps that is simply the better solution. He knows better than I do and I should just give it up and allow Him to do what it is He does.

It was a somewhat lonely weekend.

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I don't want somebody to love me
just give me sex whenever I want it
'cause all I ask for is instant pleasure
instant pleasure, instant pleasure

You in traffic for all eternity
how could that speed be where you wanna be
say don't you really want instant pleasure
instant pleasure, instant pleasure

Think that all these folks get laid
do it 'cause the pay is great
what you thinkin anyway?
If drinkin coffee is your idea of really cool
you can't expect no crazy
chick to notice you just sittin there
dreaming instant pleasure
instant pleasure, instant pleasure

If you want someone a friend to be
guess you'll have to win the
lottery but till then repeat after me
I don't want somebody to love me
just give me sex whenever I want it
'cause all I ask for is instant pleasure

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I quit Cinemark. It was hell.

I got hired by Target. I got fired for tardiness. :(

I got a job at Nestle. I hate it, but it pays well and it's full time.

I GOT FREAKIN HIRED BY BARNES AND NOBLE.

I've been working there for about 3 weeks now. I love it. Except that right now i'm in the cafe and i hate it. hate it. I almost cried at work last night because it was so difficult. People who work with coffee amaze me. Trully.

Mom and dad came up this weekend. I loved seeing them but they seriously couldn't have picked a worse weekend. I'm sure that Elessar257 will eventually have some stuff to say once he gets on here so i'll give the abridged version.

Our church has split in half. By generation and by language. The senior pastor basically kicked out the Spanish Congregation because they were being 'charasmatic' and it was bothering people. It was a huge blow as this is a small church and not a few people are blood family there. Like I said, there's more, but i'm in a little cafe and i don't have all the time I wish i did currently.

Elessar got a job! It's a blessing and....it's also having some worse for wear moments. He's a security officer at a very upscale mall. In fact, the B&N that I work for is on his property. So we work together and take breaks together, it makes it fun to work near your best friend. He is bothered by my current cafe position in the B&N cafe, but he can explain that if he wants.

I kinda miss being on here. I'm thinking of re-starting the internet at my apartment and if that happens, i'll be returning i think.

That's the short of it. There's so much more that's happened, but i suppose if anyone is really all that intrested then ya'll can message. :)

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I got a job.
I start on Monday.
whee?

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and while I have some time.

I haven't really written in a very long time. Well, I haven't written on here. I have a little red notebook which has recently become the sanctuary for my thoughts. It's red binding providing a border to keep them in check, the lines blurring into nothing as my thoughts splatter across the pages like paint released violently from a....paint holding thing.

So, in a sense i suppose this has in recent months become somewhat supperficial and not at all what it once was. I have thought about backtracking and putting past entries of my notebook on here but the only person who would ever have need of reading those, has already read them.

Enough has happened to me within those months to cause changes. Drastic changes? Who knows. But they've been enough and they've been everywhere. With my parents, with my friends and with my heart and brain. Some are changes that I am terrified of, and others are long in coming.

Things that I've come to realize however? This is where I'm meant to be. For now. This isn't my destination. This place isn't where I'm going to stay. I don't know what is in me, but whatever it is knows that here is temporary. At the current moment I can't even plan for next month...that's how NOW i must learn to live. Perhaps this is a lesson that is long in coming. Perhaps this is something that I have to master before God allows me to move on. Knowing that both scares me and gives me hope. Just as galaxies make me feel tiny and huge at the same time. We just are what we are and that's all we can hope to be.

I'm sitting in his room and the toad's smoke is traveling up his window and circling the blinds. The sun allows me to see it's journey in a stunning clarity. Every once in awhile a cool breeze will blow through the open window and cause the incense smoke to leave via the window. It makes me wonder if this is similar to what i'm talking about. Perhaps all we are is smoke. Drifting out of a creepy frog (not so creepy...) and trying to stay inside a room. Some of us will reach the drapes and leave our scent embeded in the threads, while at other times a breeze will come and hurl most of the smoke out of the window while the bit that stays inside is blown assunder. Yet, as soon as there's a lull in the breeze it returns it's ever present struggle to the top of the window.

I don't know what it is i'm feeling anymore. It's not what it once was, but what it's changed into i'm not sure. I wish there was more to expand on, but right now that's as far as i'm allowing myself to delve into it. I'm not even sure I want to know where that leads. I wonder what it is i'm doing, and why i'm doing it. I don't know. I'm simply not sure. I stand on a precipice and i'm not only angry but am frightfully scared about it. Yet, I've placed myself here so I guess I shouldn't whine about it either way. Perhaps I expcet too much, or too little. I know that I am too forgiving. Too kind in my judgments. How does one grow when the punshing hit is always accompanied with a pat on the back? Why haven't I pushed anyone to do better? Is it perhaps because I don't believe they CAN do better? no. Is it perhaps because I don't think *I* could do any better? no. It's because i'm scared. Scared of hurting other people or scared of being judged to higher standards. I hate letting people down and I guess I feel like if i started pushing, people would push back. I'm worried I won't be able to stand my ground sufficiently.

I'm tired. I'm tired of being scared. Tired of not being appreciated. Tired of being looked over. Tired. Tired. Tired. I'm Tired of crying and i'm tired of lying. I want to be the person that God wants me to be, but I don't know who that is. I ask and I ask and yet nothing changes. I want and dream of so much but everything seems to be too high to attain or plainly impossible to attain. I don't know what to do anymore. I want to pretend that nothing exists. I want to lie down and rest and not worry about me or anyone else. I want everyone to be ok. I want alot for other people, even things that they themselves don't want for them. Where will that lead me? Striaght to disappointment. I should allow for things to happen. Some of it goes back to control. To free will. How much of it we have and wether or not it actually exists. *shrug* It's a conversation that i've conversation-ed to death. I guess I'm confused and i'm human and it's frustrating. It's neither unexpected or unforseen, but that makes it no less frustrating.

I don't even know what i'm exactly writing about anymore. When I write on a computer i'm able to keep up with my thoughts far better than on pen so i'm much more unfiltered online. Sorta. But, unfortunately, that also means that i'm much more abstract because I think very...abstractly circular. I'd probably write a whole entry trying to convince people that a square is in fact performs the same functions of a circle and therefore could be a circle and then try to tie that into something life~ish and just confuse everybody if I had enough time. Thankfully, I don't. And FYI I just made that up and won't actually try to debate that.

He's out of the shower now.

On an ending note, each of you should see Enchanted. Even if the movie makes me cry every single time I watch it. It's the best movie out there this year (so far). And I highly recommend it.

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I have had opprotunities.

Like now.

Unfortunately there's not too much to say. Ironic no? I guess I sorta have to be in the mood to write. It's been a good couple of days though.

Also! Job opprotunity is onthe horizon. I might be a school bus driver. For 11.50 an hour? psh, I can hack that. Great hours as well. Only downside? Putting up with my grandmother.

On a much more of a warning note: Nearly everyone can skip the movie Jumper. It had major potential but fell way short. A little depressing. We really should have watched Deffinately, Maybe.

that's it, i guess.

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