Helena's Weblog Site • NuTang.com

Where we stop, nobody knows.

Ok. So I've been doing some soul searching and some thinking on my own. I tried to do this. I tried to make my decision to come back home seem right in my head. I've spun around in every direction that they (my parents) want me to and I tried to do what was right by them/for them.

I've talked about my sitiation with many diffrent people. All walks of life. I've gotten just as many opinons, ideas and suggestions. So, I've started thinking about what it is that I want. What it is that I wanted, and why I didn't go with my gut. I've come to some conclusions. Most (if not all) will not be a surprise to most anyone who knows me. I'm writing them down for preservation purposes - also so that I can set in stone what it is that I've finally figured out on my own.

I am a coward. lol, it's true! I have alot of spirit, and I want to do all these things that are in my heart for me to do - but I'm downright scared. Some people say that being scared of certain things is the best thing for you, keeps you safe. However - much like the Oscar Wilde quote to my left, the things one usually doesn't regret is their mistakes. Example, I've always had a secret longing to be an explorer. I've always wanted to do something to help the people of Africa, to go and really DO something that would mean something. But, I haven't taken a single step in that direction because I know how rough it is down there and it scares me. Yet, their situations and the lack of intrest from other nations was one of the main reasons that I wanted to become a photojournalist. It was my dream (and still to some extent is) to one day have a book published of my photos of the poor in different countries - including our own. Much like one of my heros: Dorothea Lange. She was one of the first women photogrpahers of her time and she photographed the plight of the poor during the depression. Her work is incredibly moving and has ALWAYS captivated me. Heck, I probably wouldn't even have to go outside of the USA to get photos like that. I see alot of it down here in South Texas, communities with no running water or roads that aren't paved. Heck - some of our High Schools will open earlier than usual so kids who don't have showers can use the ones in the gym locker rooms because they have nowhere to bathe at home. *sigh* As I've gotten older, my dreams have become slightly more realistic. I am clearly not an explorer - however much I would want to be. BUT! A smalltime bookstore owner (with a passion for photography) who will one day sell a book about exploring to a child who will then become an explorer?! That is a dream I can achieve.

Sorry - bit of a tangent there.

I'm also slightly avoidant. I've always known it to some extent. I will shy away from rough situations hopeing beyond hope that they will either go away or get better. I've begun to learn that this is not the case however. The situation will become stagnant. Stagnant water can become one of the most leathal things on earth - full of bacteria and nasties that can really harm a person. I don't want to be full of stagnant water. Now for an avoidant person to suddently become a person who will stand up and face a difficult situation head on takes alot. I'm not sure I'm there yet, but i'm deffinetly working on it. Example: Unfortuantely my father and I have not had a decent relationship in years upon years. It's a long story and if you're really intrested in the details you can 'note' me but I'm not going to make ya'll read through my 'woe is me' sob story. Well, I've let the relationship between us 'stagnante' (is that spelled right?) for a REALLY long time. It's gotten pretty bad. So, while I'm down here I'm going to talk things out with him. 'Work things out' if you will. That'll be another entry for another day i'm sure.

In any case, I've decided that I don't wanna stay in Laredo until May. I'd like to get back up to Denton ASAP. Unfortunately money runs the world and gas makes my car go. So, I've been job hunting. Hopefully (crosses fingers and says a silent prayer) if I get a job in the next 2 weeks I'll be able to save enough money to leave Laredo somewhere between Spring Break and Easter. We'll see how things go, there's alot of 'if's and but's' but the way things are looking - life isn't completely dark. If you look hard enough, there's usually a silver lining. Sometimes it takes a second or even a third look - sometimes....even a microscope - but it's there....somewhere.

As soon as I get up there I'm going to have to make a short term goals list. I need to learn how to talk to people. I need to learn how to stand on my own and not be so scared to fall. I need to learn how to balance my time and energy. I need to really apply myself to school and get some HARDCORE grades out of there. I want to branch out and meet some people. Meet all sorts of people - really get to know them, and let them get to know me. I want to keep growing in God. This last one I really mean. See, I'm just starting to find Him and He's deffinetely starting to take notice of me (I think). I don't want to lose Him, not again. So, when I get up there I'll need to find a church. (and as a side note: I told my parents that I'm now going to a Christian church. My mom is 'weary' of it, but she can tell how much closer I am to Him now so she didn't say much.)

As for an update on my 'short term goals list'?
I've been running for a straight week. (this impresses even ME!)
I've started a book. (Elizabeth and Mary - it's a biography on both women as they took power and the struggles they went though. This is one of my favorite times in history (but what time ISN'T!) and the way the author potrays both women as so incredibly different and yet similar in more ways than they probably even knew themselves is awesome. I'm really liking it so far)
I am yet to take my brother out to the tennis court. (negative cool points)
I struck up a SMALL converstaion with some random person at church. (yeay! *side note: guy who plays piano in the worship band? Really.Cute*)