Helena's Weblog Site • NuTang.com

So yesterday I went to visit one of my best friends, we went to this park that over looked the lake (which was lit by the nearly full moon), and ate Taco Bell, cause ya know....we're cool like that. We went back to his house and just hung out. Stupid spiders and snakes.
Not the point.
We had a discussion and I got....*sigh* emotional.

Ok, long story short: I am 21 years old and am yet to...anything romantically. No one has ever even liked me, lol. However, I'm fine being by myself (at this point I'm an expert at it) and thusly I don't *need* anyone in my life to make me happy. However, not gonna lie - it does get a little lonely every now and then.
So, every once in awhile I kinda go through 'low points' and get kinda 'dramatic' about my situation. Well, during our discussion he mentioned the fact that he knows of other people in my situation (so, i'm not some sort of TOTAL freak). I know very few in my life. In the end though, it always feels as if there's something wrong with me. That in one way or another there is something about me that is just completely off putting. I mean you look back and you figure there has to be......something! Something wrong with me that makes all of this make sense. I've tried to blame everything. Everything from the fact that I'm a total bookworm to my wieght to my family to the way I dress. The thing about it is - I don't feel like there's anything all that wrong with me. I feel comfortable in my own skin, so if that's the case with me - then what? Is the me who I feel comfortable with that unattractive? I don't know. I try not to worry about it. There's no point. I'm not going to let myself wallow - this isn't a new situation and it's not going anywhere anytime soon.

In any case, after I got home I recieved a phone call from a friend back home. You wanna talk about getting the message. *sigh* she's having issues with her boyfriend and the things that she was saying basically backed up everything that my friend had said to me. As she cried to me on the phone I patiently listened and let her speak her piece (it would have been difficult to get a word in edge wise, she had alot to say). After she calmed down a little bit I gave her a slice-o-wisdom (cheesy, I know) and she was quiet. Then she said; between sniffles, 'that's the best advice that anyone's ever given me'. I smiled to myself and felt a little proud. Let's hope that it was the right bit of advice though.

One thing I've never had a problem with is getting answers to prayers. Is that weird? I used to think that I was just reading into things, but I'm not so sure anymore. Whenever I really pray about something and really honestly try to talk to Him I always get an answer. Sometimes it's happened within minuets, other times it's taken a week. In the end though I always hear from Him. There are only few instances where I get mixed answers. I figure these situations aren't totally up to Him. I know that sounds weird - but I figure we got free will right? Well, if we have free will there has to be wiggle room in the master plan. So I figure in those situations where I keep getting 'yes', 'no' that he's waiting on others to see what needs to be done. I don't know - that could just be me being weird.

I guess what all of this is trying to say is simply this:
If I'm meant to be alone right now; if that's trully what needs to happen, if that's what's best for me and for everyone else then I'm ok with it. I mean, i'm not jumping through hoops, flowers and sunshine thrilled about it - but I'll let the situation play out as it needs to. Until then I'll just keep trying, and hoping. (and hoping and hoping and hoping and hoping....i'm really good at hoping, lol)